idealisme | IC INBOX

[It's a few hours since Grantaire has sent the message, but Enjolras calls as soon as he gets it.]

What do you mean you cannot find him? Surely he is simply about in the city.

[Enjolras almost sounds concerned]

He will not answer messages and I’ve looked everywhere he might be. I’ve asked anyone I know who might have seen him. No one has. And now I’m asking you to look for him in one last place.

[ He doesn't even sound interested in debating this. He just sounds as though he's unhappily accepted that this is probably what's happened. It's happened to several of his friends here, but he never thought he would lose any of those closest to him. ]

Do you accept?

[His first impulse is to question the effort Grantaire claims he's made. It's more likely he's wandered through the town once or twice and given up. Surely if Enjolras attempts to find their friend-

But the tone of the man's voice makes Enjolras keep his scorn to himself.] Very well. I consent.

[ Grantaire is composed of contradictions and sometimes, however rarely, he does try. He's searched both cities for their friend, and when he couldn't find him, the grim thoughts began to set in. Jehan can only have returned to stasis. ]

Will you meet me there now? Or do your books and papers hold something too important to separate you from?

[ He's never sure, okay. ]

[Perhaps his answer should be immediate, picking a friend over his work, but there's an unmistakable pause as Enjolras considers it.]

No, it will be better if we go now. If something has happened to him we ought to know sooner rather than later.

[ Grantaire doesn't miss it, but he doesn’t comment on it. He doesn’t want to strike up a debate or do anything that may cause Enjolras to change his mind. He believes Jehan has returned to stasis and genuinely does not want to visit alone. ]

You will be glad to know that I can only agree.

[ It might be the first time. ]

I will wait for you.

[ He’s literally already there, just outside of the stasis room. ]

[If Enjolras notices anything he doesn't say. Instead there's another moment of silence broken by shuffling paper.]

I will be there in a few minutes.

[It's maybe ten minutes before he shows up, but he's there.]

[ Thankfully, Grantaire isn’t particularly good at keeping track of the time. When Enjolras arrives, he looks up, bleary-eyed and unsmiling. Not even the appearance of Enjolras can cheer him in this moment. ]

I’ve not yet gone in search for him in there.

[ He did say he would wait. It’s what Jehan would have wanted anyway. ]

[ The serious expression shows that Grantaire believes they'll find their friend within. Enjolras himself looks only a little worried, the furrow in his brow not unusual for him. ]

If he is there, it's likely to be where he was before. Come on. [ There's nothing to be done for Grantaire's emotionality but to get to the bottom of this.

And the strange discomfort in his gut- that's sure to be nothing. It would be ridiculous to be discomforted by how uncharacteristically upset the artist looks.]

[ Grantaire says nothing for a long moment. He merely follows behind Enjolras, uncharacteristically silent.

He is absolutely certain Jehan is in there, and he’s resigned himself to his unhappiness over the fact. While it isn’t as though Jehan has died a second death, he finds himself regretting being so grim and gloomy around their friend. They may never see him again in the world of the living. None of their other friends have woken, after all. At long last, he speaks. ]

Did you ever consider that he might return? I did not. Not him, or you, or even myself. For as many times as a person in this place has returned to stasis, I never thought it would be one of the three of us.

[ And it’s actually a terrifying thought now that it’s happened. He could very well lose Enjolras as well, and then where would he be? ]

Why wouldn't it be? People come and go all the time. [It's something that isn't often talked about, or something that Enjolras hasn't noticed people talking about.]

We already have more time than we ought have had. We lose nothing in returning. [That's the logic of it. He had known he would die in the Corinthe. Waking up here had been the surprise.

But his gut is still unsettled by something. He dislikes it. He dislikes that he notices it.]

[ Grantaire keeps a closer eye on these things than Enjolras does. He’s noticed that all of his monarch friends have long since returned to stasis, though he hasn’t thought to mention it. They were his friends, but they weren’t from his own home. The situation always felt further removed, but now it’s impossible to avoid. ]

You mean to say that you lose nothing in returning.

[ Died for his one belief, that one belief is you, etc. Just let him have this. ]

In losing Jehan, then, have we lost nothing? Did his presence here mean nothing?

Of course- [not. His mouth shuts in a firm line.

Enjolras is certain of his logic. But logic cannot explain all of this. Thinking of how life will be here without Jehan- it won't be as it was before he came. There will be a gap.

It's something he'd never have noticed in Paris, with the revolution devouring all his attention.]

It will not be the same.

It will not. I feel as if I've lost a limb.

[ Where Enjolras so rarely understands Grantaire, it’s Grantaire’s turn to not quite understand Enjolras. He feels such a deep love for all of their friends and there’s seldom a time when he doesn’t miss them. Jehan waking had lessened his misery a touch (just a touch), but now he’s been thrown back into it at full force. He can’t fathom how Enjolras can be so staunchly and stubbornly logical on this particular topic. ]

Do you not wish they were here? When you’ve been trapped with me until one of us should return as well, do you not wish for them instead?

What I wish-

[I feel as if I've lost a limb.

Wasn't that how he had been feeling all these months without Courfeyrac and Combeferre there at his side? Always just out of step with the world without them, too untempered, too cutting-

His steps slow, though they haven't reached where Prouvaire is likely to be.]

I cannot live waiting for things I have no control over. I will change what I can and live with the rest. [His voice lacks it's usual firmness. He wishes they were all here.]

[ He’s been dragging along behind Enjolras, miserable and sluggish, but he notices when the other man’s pace slows and they fall into step with one another. They haven’t even yet reached Jehan’s stasis pod.

In the end, their friends matter more to Grantaire than wine or Greek tragedies or his inherent need to not believe in anything. If he’s to be here, he’ll live his life waiting for them. He misses them so deeply, and although Enjolras doesn't say, he surely must feel the same. ]

I know. I would spend the entirety of my second life waiting for them to wake, and if they never should, then so be it. I will have wasted nothing. You cannot control who wakes any more than I can control how much I drink, but that is not the question I asked.

[Strange that a year ago, when they'd first woken, he'd have unhesitatingly answered affirmatively. Of course he wished for Combeferre in place of this drunkard. Even Bahorel would have been an improvement.

Now, he thinks of Jehan and how he'd said how terribly sad Grantaire was. He thinks of the things he has learned about him.] Of course I wish they were here. I know you feel the same.

[ Grantaire would never wish for anyone in Enjolras’ place. Instead, he would simply wish for Joly and Bossuet in addition to Enjolras, just as it once was.

All the same, he’s surprised to hear the words “I know you feel the same”. Has Enjolras been paying enough attention to realize, or is it just an easy assumption to make? ]

I do. If giving up wine could stir them from their slumbers, I would do it in an instant and never drink another drop.

[ Or at least try. It’s the thought that counts. ]

If they were here, I believe you would be able to accomplish whatever it is you’re trying to do here.

[ His belief is Relentless. ]

[Though Enjolras doesn't turn to face him, he hears again the echoes of what the man had said the last time they'd been up in this station.

What did it matter than Grantaire believed in him if he wasn't going to help? But he doesn't want to talk about that. Nor does he want to talk about what he's trying to accomplish here- here in this land that is not France, does not share her history or her people or even the sentiment.

No, his absent friends are on his mind and suddenly he does not want to speak at all.]

Perhaps. [Perhaps they would awaken. Perhaps they would succeed. The future here was unclear.

Time to change the subject.]

If he is gone we will need to water his plants.

[ He notices that Enjolras has changed the subject, though what he says next draws a laugh from him, even if it is hollow and a little bit hopeless. ]

Poor Prouvaire. How disappointed he would be. His garden is likely to wilt and die.

[ He’s self-aware enough to know that Enjolras is too distracted and he’s too lacking in motivation for that garden to thrive. ]

[Grantaire's laugh is a depressed one.

(How long has he been aware of the types of laugh this man has? When did his mind decide this was important enough to file away? He thinks again of what Jehan had said: He's so sad, all the time)]

We will water it. [Said in much the same tones as "we will bring an end to their corrupt government"]

[ His smile is the same way: sad, hollow, not quite meeting his eyes, but he smiles all the same.

We will. For a time.

[ He would never completely dismiss anything Enjolras has to say, even his politics, but he knows how the two of them are. He’s become self-aware enough to say it. ]

But things will change. You will grow distracted and I will grow hopeless and melancholy to the point that I lose all motivation to continue and Prouvaire’s garden will grow no more. It truly is a burden that only he could bear.

[Enjolras turns to look the man in the face as they walk. He speaks the truth, but the hopelessness frustrates him.] That is no reason not to attempt it. For as long as we remember, we will care for it in his memory.

[Already he can imagine the burden it will be- but seeing that Grantaire has picked his position, Enjolras will argue the counterpoint.]

[ Grantaire can’t imagine they’ll remember for long. They’ll never forget Jehan, but his poor garden will only be tended to for so long. It hurts to know that they’re incapable of doing such a small thing for their friend who did so much for them, but to Grantaire, it just feels like the way things are. How can it be changed? ]

Imagine his surprise if he stirred once more and found his garden still alive.

[ There’s no hope or positivity in his voice. It’s simply one of his fleeting thoughts. ]

I don’t believe in miracles, but that would be close enough.

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